I've started and restarted this blog a thousand times, never knowing where I wanted to go with it or what I wanted to talk about. By some standards I have an easy life, and by others I have a rather difficult one. I don't really know where I fall in those supposed standards - I am what I am. I used to like who I was, but these days I don't know who that person is anymore.

Inside I'm full of ideas, dreams, hopes, and visions for the future. I've followed my inner dreams and goals quite a bit lately, only to be disappointed by the reality of my physical limitations. There lies the problem...you'll never see my physical limitations unless you are part of my very close inner circle of friends. In this world that seems filled with people who are comfortable thinking in only black and white, I represent the gray area. My medical problems may or may not always limit my activities, I may or may not always be sick or in pain, I don't always fit the medical or social definitions society loves to label everyone with, but most importantly there are no "cures" for either one of the problems that affect me the most. Nope, no cure. Nada, zip, zilch.

I don't mean to sound hopeless...I'm really not. There's a big part of me inside that believes the medical community has been blessed with immense knowledge and ability from the beloved guy above. I'm not sure why the "answer" hasn't been found for all chronic, terminal, or otherwise miserable ailments. I'm not God, and don't pretend to have the answers. If only I did...

I know of many well meaning friends who are frustrated by there not being a "fix" for the problems. Well, jump on the band wagon, I am too. But, that doesn't mean I get to stop living, stop playing, or stop being. It means that when I'm having some really hard days, I need friends to be supportive. I may snap, be raw with my emotions, etc., but know that none of it is directed towards you at all.

Could you imagine having complete strangers take an interest in your medical crap? Seriously? Someone will see me drop something and have a hard time picking it up, and you all know me..I love to talk..(I have to have some kind of weirdo magnet to my a** or something),...then all of a sudden they have all of this advice for me. I know their heart is in the right place, I really do, but day after day, minute after minute, I hear about new vitamins, chiropractors, herbs, etc. that will "cure" my immune system or joint disease. Thank you for the advice, really, honestly, I really mean it, but sometimes just a sincere, "How are you really doing??" would be great. "How can I help you? I''d love to come visit". What would you like someone to do? Giving you a ride home from our kids Christmas Program @ school doesn't give you the right to delve into my life and "help" with "constructive criticism" regarding me, my child or my health! If you need to "help" someone, look in the mirror, Sweetheart!

Remember, just because you can't see something, doesn't mean it isn't real...it might just be gray...